MR. GRAYDON:
Take a letter. To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax.
You will find an invoice in the file for the address. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon:
MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN
TO MY AWFUL SITUATION,
SO I'M WRITING A LETTER
TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.
WHEN THE FLOOR WAX
THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED HERE
MONDAY MORNING,
WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME
SHOULD HAVE A WARNING.
SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT
YOUR WAX IS RANCID,
I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL
THE MONEY WE ADVANCED.
AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE ME
YOU'VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX BATTER,
WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE,
SO, I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER.
How's my speed, Miss. Dillmount?
MILLIE:
A little slow, perhaps.
MR. GRAYDON:
Ah!
ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A SMALL
CONTAINER OF THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT.
JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID
AND TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU'VE A DOUBT.
I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO ALERT
THE DAILY PAPERS
WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE
WAS AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS,
WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE YO YOU
A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER
FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATION
THAT YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER.
I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE US
TO HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID, AND
IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL
SINCERELY, TREVOR GRAYDON.
Now, read that back to me, please.
MILLIE:
Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon:
MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN
TO MY AWFUL SITUATION,
SO I'M WRITING A LETTER
TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.
WHEN THE FLOOR WAX
THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED HERE
MONDAY MORNING,
WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME
SHOULD HAVE A WARNING.
SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT
YOUR WAX IS RANCID,
I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL
THE MONEY WE ADVANCED.
MR. GRAYDON:
Nice.
MILLIE:
AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE ME
YOU'VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX BATTER,
WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE,
SO, I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER.
MR. GRAYDON:
Not half bad. Continue please.
MILLIE:
ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A SMALL
CONTAINER OF THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT.
JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID
AND TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU'VE A DOUBT.
I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO ALERT
THE DAILY PAPERS
WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE
WAS AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS,
WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE YO YOU
A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER
FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATION
THAT YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER.
I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE US
TO HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID, AND
IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL
SINCERELY, TREVOR GRAYDON.
MR. GRAYDON:
Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?
MILLIE:
Yes?
MR. GRAYDON:
IF I COULD BE SO LUCKY AS TO HAVE
A GOOD STENOGRAPHER,
TO KEEP THIS PLACE AS UP-TO-DATE AS HER
SHORT SKIRT AND BOBBED CONFFURE,
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY 'BOUT OUR
SOURED OFFICE PLANKING,
AND COULD CONCENTRATE ON GENERATING
PROFITS RIPE FOR BANKING.
THAT IS WHY I'M TESTING YOU WITH THIS
OUTRAGEOUS CORRESPONDENCE,
WHICH I DON'T INTEND TO ACTUALLY MAIL
TO THE RESPONDENTS.
SO IT YOU CAN MAKE SENSE OF MY
UNINTELLIGIBLE PATTER,
THEN THE JOB IS YOURS AND HUDSON'S
FLOOR WAX REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.
MILLIE:
HUDSON'S FLOOR WAX
DOESN'T MATTER?
MATTER, MATTER
MATTER, MATTER.
HUDSON'S FLOOR WAX
DOESN'T MATTER?
MATTER, MATTER,
MATTER, MATTER.
MR. GRAYDON [In unison]:
HUDSON'S FLOOR WAX
DOESN'T MATTER!
MATTER, MATTER,
MATTER, MATTER.
HUDSON'S FLOOR WAX
DOESN'T MATTER!
OFFICE WORKERS [In unison]:
HUDSON'S FLOOR WAX
DOESN'T MATTER!
MATTER, MATTER,
MATTER, MATTER.
MR. GRAYDON:
Now, I want that letter on my desk in two-minutes flat. Man your machine! Go!
[Millie's rapid fire typing/tapping dazzles the office workers.
She presents the finished letter to Mr. Graydon.]
Time! "Dear Mr. Hudson,"
MILLIE and OFFICE WORKERS:
Colon.
MR. GRAYDON:
MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION,
SO I'M WRITING A LETTER TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.
WHEN THE FLOOR WAX THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED HERE MONDAY MORNING,
WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGE THAT THE FUME SHOULD HAVE A WARNING.
SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT YOUR WAX IS RANCID,
I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL THE MONEY WE ADVANCED.
AND UNLESS YOU CAN CONVINCE ME YOU'VE IMPROVED THE FLOOR WAX BATTER,
WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE, SO, I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER.
MILLIE and OFFICE WORKERS:
SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER.
SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER.
SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER.
SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MATTER!
MR. GRAYDON:
Going on.
ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A SMALL CONTAINER
OF THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT.
JUST CAREFULLY REMOVE THE LID AND
TAKE A WHIFF IF YOU'VE A DOUBT.
I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO
ALERT THE DAILY PAPERS
WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE WAS
AFFECTED BY YOUR VAPORS,
WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE YO YOU
A CONFIDENTIAL LETTER
FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATION THAT
YOU MAKE YOUR FLOOR WAX BETTER.
I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE US
TO HAVE OUR FLOOR RELAID, AND
IF IT DOES YOU MAY EXPECT A BILL
SINCERELY, TREVOR GRAYDON.
YOU HAVE MADE THE TEAM, MISS DILLMOUNT!
OFFICE WORKERS:
YOU HAVE MADE THE TEAM, MISS DILLMOUNT!
MILLIE:
TELL ME WHERE MY DESK IT,
WHERE WE EAT LUNCH,
HOW MUCH I'LL BE PAID, AND
NICE TO MEET YOU, I KNOW WE'LL BE FRIENDS.
JUST CALL ME MILLIE GRAYDON.
MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
MILLIE GRAYDON?
MILLIE:
I mean Dillmount!
MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
MILLIE DILLMOUNT?
MILLIE:
Someday Graydon!
MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
GRAYDON? DILLMOUNT? DILLMOUNT?
GRAYDON? GRAYDON? DILLMOUNT?
MILLIE:
Graydon!
MILLIE, MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
AAAAAAAAH!
